I can guarantee you at least 80% of the time you talk to me, I have Disney music going through my mind. In fact I have a tune from Phineas and Ferb in my head as I'm writing this. I constantly have thoughts of building epic backyard forts and going on crazy silly adventures to far away imaginary (though very real) lands and realms. Why is this? Why do I still feel so much like a little kid even though I  am a mere week away from turning 20?! I love that I still have such a crazy imagination and a burning desire to build some awesome stronghold to use as a defense to fight off the evil hordes of robotic enemies being sent out by some crazy villain.

I have tons of thoughts of starting some kind of cartoon show, making a game, composing musical scores, inventing some awesome contraption... But I get mentally shot down on a daily basis. I start to work on a project and find myself running into a maze of problems in which I simply walk away and forget that project.

What do I do when I have a never ending stream of ideas, complete with soundtracks and story line and yet not enough knowledge of any field required to put them to use?

It seems I would much rather go back to the way things were when I was a little kid, running around outside all day with friends, playing on the trampoline, splashing about in the pool. Attending church events and school. My urge to move forward in life simply wants to do the exact opposite. My ultimate plans involve rebuilding my childhood in such a way that it can be enjoyed as it was for the rest of my life and the lives of the friends who I shared it with!

I have often thought of simply dropping the childish things and moving full blast into the adult life. But these thoughts depress me. I feel almost afraid of letting go and knowing I can never return to the freedom of a tree fort and begging mom to let my friends come over. Sure, having a lot less rules is a pretty neat perk of being grown up, but I often feel alone and misguided without a plan to follow. I could go to school or get a job somewhere and make some money. But why? Everyone is doing that and no one seems really all that happy with it. You make money,  you spend money, you go back to work to make more money, rinse and repeat! Lovely....

Of course, my "vision" has the same cycle in a way. You play outside, you have fun, you go to bed, you do it all again.

That's just it. When I was 8, no two summer days were the same, even though some in fact WERE the same. Friends come over, we play outside, we play inside, they go home, rinse, repeat. Something is missing... I don't know what!

"How about getting a girlfriend?" I have thought of that, I'm sure it would be an amazing experience... but again, why? Sure I'd have someone to share my adventures with and perhaps join in theirs... but again, we'd work for money so we could spend the money and work for more money... money... that was never a thought to me until I was about 17 years old!

At the most I would think of taking 2 dollars to school to get a drink from the vending machine. Or to buy from a bake sale. Money really was nothing more than a tool... that is the flaw! Money is no longer simply a tool but a way of life! Which is why it is so boring!


This is the rant for now, more coming later! I could use some input or something! Or could I? Ugh I simply do not know!